Sex of a Computer

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically all designated as masculine or feminine. Things like 'chalk' or 'pencil,' she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, "What gender is a computer?"
 

The teacher wasn't certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

 1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
 2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
 3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you might have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
 3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Ole Spot
 
A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors house each month.. Of course the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
 
When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay.
 
She then told her husband, "We aren't going to have mushrooms because they are too expensive.
 
He said, "Why don't you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed."
 
She said, "No, I don't want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poisonous."
 
He then said, "I don't think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them."
 
After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready go over her smothered steak. Then she went out on the back porch and got Ole Spot's (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty.
 
Ole' Spot didn't slow down until he had eaten every bite. All morning long Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn't seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
 
The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class. After everyone had finished they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.
 
About this time the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie's ear. She said, "Mrs. Brown, Spot just died." With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
 
The doctor said, "It's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We will pump out everyone's stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm."
 
It wasn't long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases and a stomach pump and the doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one they took each person into the master bedroom and pumped out their stomach.
 
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, I think everything will be fine now, and he left. They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time the town lady came in and said, "You know, that fellow that ran over Ole Spot never even stopped."

Getting To Heaven

I asked the children in my Sunday School class, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children all answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children and loved my wife, would that get me into heaven?"

Once more they all answered, "NO!"

"Well," I continued, impressed that they were much more theologically sophisticated than I had given them credit for, "then how can I get into heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD!"

A Woman's Tale

1.  It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.
2.  It is important that a man makes you laugh.
3.  It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.
4.  It is important that a man is good in bed and loves making love to you.
5.  It is important that these four men don't know each other.

COUSIN BUBBA JOE AIN'T SO DUMB AFTER ALL

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, they assigned him  the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits,  especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99% sign up for the top GI  insurance.

This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductee's nearly $30.00 per month more for their coverage, that was already  afforded by that which the government was already granting.

The Captain decided that he would not ask Bubba Joe about his  selling techniques, but that he would sit in the back of the room  and observe Bubba's sales pitch.

Bubba Joe stood up before his latest group of inductee's and  stated ------ "If you have the normal GI insurance and go into  battle and are killed the government pays your beneficiaries $6,000.

If you take out the supplemental GI insurance (which will cost you  an additional $30.00 per month), the government pays your  beneficiaries $200,000.

"NOW" Bubba concluded, "Which bunch do you think that they are going to send into battle first?"

It probably did happen.

Four men went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.

The first man told the others, "My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free."

The second man said, "My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He's so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded."

The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, "My son is a stockbroker, and he's doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio."

The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business. The first man mentioned, "We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?

The fourth man replied, "Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar."

The other three men grew silent as he continued, "I'm not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio."

Diary Entry

I never have quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. And I never figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart. And I never yet have figured out how the sexual desire gene gets thrown
into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT???"

So she says the words that I and every husband on the planet dread. She explains that I must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman. I'm thinking, "What was her first clue?" I finally realize that nothing was going to happen that night, so I went to sleep.

The very next day, we went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on three different, very expensive outfits. She could not decide which one to take, so I told her to take all three of them. She then tells me that she wants matching shoes worth $200.00 a pair to which I say OK. And then we go to the jewelry department where she gets a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you. She was so excited. She must have thought that I was one wave short of a shipwreck, but I don't think she cared. I think she was testing me when she asked for a tennis bracelet because she does not even play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I told her that it was OK. She was almost sexually excited from all of this, and you should have seen her face when she said, "I'm ready to go to the cash register."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No, honey, I don't feel like buying all this stuff now." You should have seen her face. It went completely blank. I then said, "Really, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."

I figure that I won't be having sex again until some time after the spring of 2008.

Darwin Awards!! 
 

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards  are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are  the glorious winners for 2003.

1. When his 38-calibre revolver failed to fire at his intended  victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber  James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered  down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked....

And now, the honorable mentions:

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat  cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a  claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence,  sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the  machine and lost a finger.  The chef's claim was approved.
 
3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car  during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his Vehicle to find a  woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be  transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to  admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and  offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the  passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the  patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.  The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious  head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he  received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying  to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he  was hit.

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the  counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash  drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the  register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash  from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The  total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15.  (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime  committed?)

7. A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and  carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled,  "FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A **** UP!" For a moment, everyone  was silent. Then the sniggers started. The security guard completely  lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life,  because he'd been about to draw his gun. He couldn't have drawn and  fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at  large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the  wall engraved with the words, "Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a  ****-up!"

8. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided  that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,  grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved  it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and  hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The  liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was  caught on videotape.

9. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man  grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the  woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in  the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of  the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he  replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the  purse from."
 

10. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into  a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and  demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't  open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered  onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast.  The man, frustrated, walked away.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
 

11. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked  on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police  arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a  motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man  admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose  into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the  vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh  he'd ever had.