Husband Mart

A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX where a woman may go to choose a husband from among many men. The store is comprised of 6 floors, and the men increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, "Well, that's better than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what's further up?" So up she goes.
 

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids. The woman remarks to herself, "That's great, but I wonder what's further up?" And up she goes again. The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids and are extremely good looking. "Hmmm, better" she says. "But I wonder what's upstairs?"

The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, loves kids, are extremely good looking and help with the housework. "Wow!" exclaims the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!" And again she heads up another flight.

The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak. "Oh, mercy me! But just think... what must be awaiting me further on?" So up to the sixth floor she goes.
 

The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 3,456,789,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping Husband Mart and have a nice day.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

Signed,  Desperate


Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly: wave files. DO NOT install Mother-In-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend  program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.
 

Tech Support

The Diet

Ms. Boudreaux had to lose weight... she was too big, yeah. She went to see Doc Comeaux who put her on a strict regime. Doc said, "Ms. Boudreaux, losing weight is not hard. Here is the diet... Eat what you want, as much as you
want, anytime, for two days. Then, skip the whole third day. No food. Then, eat for two days. Then skip the whole third day. Keep that up for three weeks, then come see me. I expect you will lose at least five pounds."

Three weeks later, Ms. Boudreaux went to see Doc Comeaux. The nurse weighed her, and she had lost THIRTY POUNDS! She was thrilled! Doc said, "Mais, Ms. Boudreaux, that is wonderful! Did you follow my instructions?"

Ms. Boudreaux said, "Mais yeah, Doc. But ahm tellin ya, I thought I was gonna drop dead on dat third day, me. Ai-yai, dat was tough, yeah."

Doc Comeaux said, "I assure you, Ms. Boudreaux, nobody ever died from hunger in just one day."

Ms. Boudreaux said, "Mais, no, Doc. Not from dat hunger, no! From dat skipping!"

 The New CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall while everyone else was working diligently. The room was full of workers, and the CEO wanted to let them know he meant business! The CEO walked up to the guy and loudly asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $200 a week. Why?" The CEO reached into his pocket and pulled out $400 in cash. He handed it to the guy and screamed, "Here's two week's pay, now GET OUT and don't ever come back!"

The man took the money and left immediately without uttering a word. Feeling pretty good about his first firing and the example it set, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers muttered, "He was the pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

Religious Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only  know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun? "One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Three Nurses Went to Heaven

Three nurses went to heaven, and were awaiting their turn with St. Peter to plead their case to enter the pearly gates. The first nurse said, "I worked in an emergency room. We tried our best to help patients, even though occasionally we did lose one. I think I deserve to go to heaven." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The second nurse says, "I worked in an operating room. It's a very high stress environment and we do our best. Sometimes the patients are too sick and we lose them, but overall we try very hard." St. Peter looks at her file and admits her to heaven.

The third nurse says, "I was a case manager for an HMO."

St. Peter looks at her file. He pulls out a calculator and starts punching away at it furiously, constantly going back to the nurse's file. After a few minutes St. Peter looks up, smiles, and says, "Congratulations! You've been admitted to heaven ... for five days!"

4 Sons
 

Four brothers left home for college. They became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother who lived far away in another city. The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."
The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in her house."

The third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver her an SL600 with a chauffeur."

The fourth said, "Listen to this. You know how Mama loved reading the Scriptures. And you know, too, she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this priest who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty priests twelve years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church. Let me tell you...it was worth it. All Mama has to do is name a chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mama sent out her thank you notes. She wrote:

Dear Milton, The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway. Mama

Dear Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes...and the driver you hired is a Democrat. The thought was good. Thanks anyway. Mama
 

Dear Manny, You give me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same. Mama.

Dearest Melvin, You were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you. Mama
 

Southern Law


Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, "Is it true they's suin' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, sure is true," responded the lawyer.

"And now someone is suin' them fast food restaurants fer makin' them fat an' cloggin' their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, is that true, Mista Lawyer?"

"Sure is, Bubba."

"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee that she ordered?"

"Yep."

"And that football player sued that university when he gradiated and still couldn't read?"

"That's right," said the lawyer. "But why are you asking?"

" Well, I was thinkin' . . . What I want to know is, kin I sue Budweiser fer all them ugly women I slept with?

Coincidences!

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but thinking, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town." The first guy says, "Faith and it's a small World. So did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight. The Murphy twins are drunk again."