Real Newspaper Ads

**3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

** Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

** Vacation special: Have your house exterminated.

** Dinner Specials: Turkey $3.25 Chicken or Beef $2.75 Children $2.00.

** Illiterate? Write today for free help.

** Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

** Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

** Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

** Stock up and save. Limit: one.

** Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

** Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.

** For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

** Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

** We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

** Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first

Only in the south......

A school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Molly said, "My family went to my granddaddy's farm, and we saw all his pet sheep. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate'"
 

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to See Rock City and I was fascinated. The teacher said, "Well, that was good, Sally, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
 
 
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Little Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him. Johnny said, "My cousin's wife has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight."

No use Knocking

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church and enters the confessional booth; sits down but says nothing. Absolutely nothing...

The priest coughs a few times to get his attention but to no avail: the drunk just sits there. Finally, in desperation, the priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles:... "Ain't no use your knocking..... there's no paper on this side either!"

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS &STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.

LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and  cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 Why Exercise?

It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is!

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I like long walks... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last, but not least, I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!

You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
 

The Perfect Super Bowl Seat!


Bob received a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrived at the stadium he realized the seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field!

About halfway through the first quarter, Bob noticed an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50-yard line. He decided to take a chance and made his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sat down, he asked the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man said "No."

Very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob said to the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?!"

The man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."

"That's really sad," said Bob, "But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?"

"No," the man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

Aggie Math


A business owner in Texas was confused about paying an invoice minus the early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the Texas A&M and I need some help. If I were to give you $21,375 minus 12.75% how much would you take off?

The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings."

You gotta love Aggie women

Dear Spike,

I have been unable to sleep since I forced my daughter to break off her engagement to you. Will you forgive and forget? I was much too sensitive about your Mohawk, tattoo, and pierced nose. I now realize motorcycles aren't really that dangerous, and I really should not have reacted the way I did to the fact that you have never held a job. I am sure, too, that some other very nice people live under the bridge in the park. Sure, my daughter is only 17 and wants to marry you instead of going to Harvard on a full ride scholarship. After all, you can't learn everything  about life from books. I sometimes forget how backward I can be. I was wrong. I was a fool. I have now come to my senses and you have my full blessing to marry my daughter.

Sincerely,
Your future father-in-law.... Reggie

P. S. Congratulations on winning the Powerball lottery

WASHINGTON, D.C.

Hang on to any of the new State of Texas quarters.  If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Texas quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state. "We are recalling all the new Texas quarters that were recently issued," Treasury undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices." The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide. "The problem lies in the unique design of the Texas quarter, which was created by a Texas A&M graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated devices."