Idiots!
Number One Idiot of 2003
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison
control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her
little daughter eating ants. I quickly assured her that the ants are not harmful
and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed
down and at the end of the conversation she happened to mention that she gave
her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that
she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your
sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
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Number Two Idiot of 2003
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life
raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane
and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a
Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was
homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was
inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing Here's your sign, guys. Don't
get it wet; the paint might run.
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Number Three Idiot of 2003
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
the branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to
worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before
he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the
street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed
his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could
not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit
slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go
back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few
minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother
with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
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Number four Idiot of 2003
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his
speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a
ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police
department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter
from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He
immediately mailed in his $40. Another sign (though this guy might be onto
something worth thinking about)!
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Number Five Idiot of 2003
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the
cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in the bag, the robber
saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told
the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said,
"Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this
point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and
he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.
The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the
robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign!
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Idiot Number Six of 2003
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The
first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first
bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign, he probably figured it out
himself.
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Idiot Number Seven of 2003
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and
run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window.
The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking
him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The
whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that's smart! Give him his sign.
A little girl w as talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a
human because eve n though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the
teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask
Jonah". The teacher asked, " What
if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".
A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As
she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said,
"But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up
from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy
Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a
family) answered, "Thou shall not kill..."
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the
kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white
hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and
inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother
replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or
unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this
revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's
hairs are white?"
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade
them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to
look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer, she's a
lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, He's a doctor.' A small voice at the back of
the room rang out, "And there's the teacher, She's dead. "
A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make
the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as
you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes,"
the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary
position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted,
"Cause your feet ain't empty."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table w as a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching t he apples.
PREGNANCY Q & A & more!
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline
irrational.
A: And your question is??
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but
pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in
labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal
again?
A: When the kids are in college.
"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
01. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
02. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet
03. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
04. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
05. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that
says:"How's my driving-call 1- 800-"
06. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
07. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
08. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
09. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN
UNDERSTAND
10. Cat's facial expressions.
09. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
08. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
07. Fat clothes.
06. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
05. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white and eggshell.
04. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
03. Eyelash curlers.
02. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand:
01. OTHER WOMEN
A First Grade Teacher.
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her
class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder
of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders.
Their insight may surprise you. While reading these keep in mind that these are
first graders.....6-year-olds, because the last one is classic!
1. Better to be safe than.....punch a 5th grader.
2. Strike while the.............bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of............termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
6. Don't bite the hand that...............looks dirty.
7. No news is............. .impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust.............................me.
12. The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
13. An idle mind is..................the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's....pollution.
15. Happy the bride who......................gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is.......................not much.
17. Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.you have to blow your
nose.
20. There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you...........see in the picture on the
box.
24. When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.
25. Better late than............................pregnant!!!!