Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Hossien
Scotch on the Rocks
This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't qualify save a copy 'til you
do!
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of
water. As the bartender gives her the drink, she says, "I'm on this cruise
to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender says, "Well, since
it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to
buy you a drink too." The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a
Scotch with two drops of water." "Coming up." says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you
one, too." The old woman says, "Thank you." "Bartender, I want another Scotch
with two drops of water." "Coming right up." the bartender says. As he gives her
the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two
drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Charley
Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked
full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one
evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of
clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the
table set. She was astonished; something's up. It turns out that Charley had
read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own
housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she
told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Charley even
cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put
everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?"
asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"
STORIES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN
CHURCH
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother,
"Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness,
and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a
moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please
don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was
running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty
and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me
be late...But please don't shove me either!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy
says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem,
they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of
paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a
piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all
the money!"
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she
wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take
me out when I'm dead.
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to
arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them
to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and
six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy
mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our
brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou
shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human
beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was
created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him
lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little
Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching
on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan
stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's
probably just your Dad.
History Quiz
The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! Kids should rule the world, as it would be a laugh a minute for us adults and therefore no time to war or argue.
Ancient
Egypt was old. It was
inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the
Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to
live elsewhere.
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Moses led the Hebrew slaves
to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any
ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died
before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it.
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Solomon had three hundred
wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was a actual hysterical figure as well as
being in the bible. It sounds Like he was sort of busy too.
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The Greeks were a highly
sculptured people and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had
myths. A myth is a young female moth.
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Socrates was a famous old
Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. He later
died from an overdose of wedlock Which is apparently poisonous. After his death,
his career suffered a Dramatic decline.
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In the first Olympic games,
Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were
messier then than they show on TV now.
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Julius Caesar extinguished
himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you,
Brutus."
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Joan of Arc was burnt to a
steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand.
The English and French still have problems.
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Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin
Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops
they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long
while.
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It was an age of great
inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible.
Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
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Sir Walter Raleigh is a
historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking.
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Sir Francis Drake circumcised
the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men.
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The greatest writer of the
Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on
his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.
He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
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Writing at the same time as
Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author
was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
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Delegates from the
original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,
and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence.
Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared,
"A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure.
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Kermit Jagger
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her
nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a
$30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and
asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, my dad is Mick Jagger,
and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need
to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and
produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and
perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with
the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and
says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and
wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants use this as collateral." She holds up the
tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
(you're gonna love this)
(its a real treat)
(a masterpiece)
(wait for it)
The bank manager looks back at her and says...
"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack, give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling
Stone."