Marriage Joke

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow!

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, soda, and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?" One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."

The moral of this story: Even when the man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

The Older View

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:" And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure"
 
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"  "98," she replied. "Two years older than me."  "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.  She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
 
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.  But.... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
 
A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."  "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"  "You're ang right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune To run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests.  She told her rabbi she had two final requests.  First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdale's. "Bloomingdale's!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdale's?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

G. W. Bush 

A different twist of the sales guy version

While walking down the street one day, George "Dubya" Bush is shot by a disgruntled NRA member. His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem: We seldom see a Republican around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer." says Dubya.

"I'd like to just let you in, but I have orders from the Man Himself: He says you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you'll live for eternity."

"But, I've already made up my mind; I want to be in Heaven."

I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course; the sun is shining in a cloudless sky, the temperature - a perfect 72 degrees. In the distance
is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it his dad, and thousands of other Republicans who had helped him out over the years: Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Jerry Falwell...The whole of the "Right" was there... Everyone - laughing, happy.... casually but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of the "suckers and peasants". They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Bush with a frosty drink: "Have a Margarita and relax, Dubya!"

"Uh, I can't drink no more, I took a pledge," says Junior, dejectedly.

"This is Hell, son: you can dri! nk and eat all you want and not worry, and it just gets better from there!" Dubya takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly guy who tells funny jokes and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like a Yale Skull and Bones brother with real horns.

They are having such a great time that, before he realizes it, it's time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Bush steps on the elevator and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and St. Peter is waiting for him. "Now it's time to visit Heaven," the old man says, opening the gate. So for 24 hours Bush is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other's company, talk about things other than money, and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or frat boy joke among them;  no fancy country clubs and, while the food tastes great, it's not caviar or lobster. And these people are a! ll poor, he doesn't see anybody he knows, and he isn't even treated like someone special! Worst of all, to Dubya, Jesus turns out to be some kind of Jewish hippie with his endless 'peace' and 'do unto others' jive. "Whoa," he says uncomfortably to himself, "Pat Robertson never prepared me for this!"

The day done, St. Peter returns and says: "Well, then, you've spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity."

With the 'Jeopardy' theme playing softly in the background, Dubya reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have thought I'd say this -- I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all -- but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends." So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial waste.. kind of like Houston.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to Dubya and puts an arm around his shoulder.

I don't understand," stammers a shocked Dubya, "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a clubhouse and we ate lobster and caviar... drank booze. We screwed around and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!"

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs: "Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us."

Nice Watch

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist.  "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" -  and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world,  but for the 86 largest metropolis.

He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake continues "I've put in regional accents for each city." The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is astounding real.

The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.

"That's not all," says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten," Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs," says the inventor. "But look at this." He proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice recordings of up to 300 standard-size books,  "though I only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says Jake.

"I've got to have this watch!" says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready."

"I'll give you $1000 for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than -"

"I'll give you $5000 for it!"

"But it's just not -"

"I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development,  and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising  in only six months.

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him.  "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and peels off the watch.  They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily.

Jake points to the two suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your batteries."

Potpourri

Three friends from the local congregation were asked "When you're  In your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over  you, what  would you like them to say?" Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a Fine spiritual leader,  and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful  teacher and  servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Don said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!" >
 
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk  to God.  Looking up, he asks the Lord. . "God, what does a million years  mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A minute."  Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"  The Lord replies, "A penny."  Smith asks," Can I have a penny?"  The Lord replies, "In a minute".

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful  to me. Every  evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, She  sleeps  with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy . What do you think I  should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a  deep breath and calm down.  Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" >
 
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a  "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years.  The Wizard says "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The  old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and  wife."
 
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last  request,  Dear," he said. "Of course, John, " his wife said softly.  "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."  "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!" >
 
A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come  back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I  the first  man you ever made love to?"  She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You  might be,"  she says. "Your face looks familiar."
    
A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."  The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"  The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."  The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"  The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's  poisoning me,  what should I do?"  The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll  see what I can  find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours.  You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi replied,  "Take the poison."

A couple of dollars

Jon was standing on a street corner waiting to cross when a man approached him and asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. Jon took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

Jon said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

"Hey, man, that's OK!" Jon responded, "I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf!"

Only in the South can we understand this...ha!
 
One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy Bubba driving a brand-new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide grin. Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?""Bobbie Sue gave it to me," Bubba replied.

"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda' sweet on you, but a new truck?" "Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened. We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere. Bobbie Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed into the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said, 'Bubba, take whatever you want.' So I took the truck!" "Bubba, you're a smart man! Them clothes woulda' never fit you!"

1,000 Valentines

A guy walked into the post office one day to see a middle-aged balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then took out a perfume bottle and starting spraying scent over all the letters. His curiosity getting the better of him, he went up and asked the balding guy what he was doing.

The man said, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentines cards signed, 'guess who?'"

"But why?"

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.

TEXAN MEN
 
It takes a Texan Man to make you feel like a WOMAN! On a recent flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
 

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up at the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman at the front of the plane. Then a Texan stands up at the rear of the plane. He is gorgeous: tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt.....one button at a time.

 ....... No one moves......He removes his shirt. .......Muscles ripple across his chest. ...... She gasps..........He whispers: ....... "Iron this, and get me something to eat...."