What's Love

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, "What does love mean?" The answers they got were  broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

  "When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn't bend over and paint her  toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That's love."
  Rebecca - age 8

  When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth." (this ones so sweet)
  Billy - age 4

  "Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other."
  Karl - age 5

  "Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs."
  Chrissy - age 6

  "Love is what makes you smile when you're tired." (so very true)
  Terri - age 4

  "Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is OK."
  Danny - age 7

  "Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss"
  Emily - age 8

  "Love is what's in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen,"
  Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

  "If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a  friend who you hate,"
  Nikka - age 6  (we need a few million more Nikka's on this planet)

  "Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday."
  Noelle - age 7

  "Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well."
  Tommy - age 6

  "During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling.  He was the only one doing that. I wasn't scared anymore."
  Cindy - age 8

  "My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don't see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night."
  Clare - age 6

  "Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken."
  Elaine-age 5

  "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford."
  Chris - age 7

  "Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day."
    Mary Ann - age 4

  "I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones."
  Lauren - age 4

  "When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you." (what an image)
  Karen - age 7

  "Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn't think  it's gross."
    Mark - age 6

  "You really shouldn't say 'I love you' unless you mean it.  But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget."
  Jessica - age 8

And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. (Now this will melt your heart.)  The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

Brains

God was just about done creating man, but he had two things left over in his bag and He couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and Eve. He thought He might just as well ask them.

He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up. "It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.

"What's it called?" asked Eve.

"Brains", said God

No Refills

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you
prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life"? "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition. This prescription is marked, NO REFILLS."

Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman:  "And what do you think is the best thing about  being 104?" the reporter asked.  She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
 
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
 
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was
your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home is it?"
 
I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But..... Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered." "Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?" "You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

God, grant me the senility To forget the people I never liked anyway, The good fortune To run into the ones I do, And the eyesight to tell the difference.
 
An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales. "Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."

I am an 82 year old senior woman. I am tired of people treating me like a foolish child. Last year I had replaced several windows in my house. They were the expensive double-insulated, energy efficient windows. This week I received a call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and that I had failed to pay for them. My goodness, did we go round and round! I told him that no one pulls a fast one on this old lady! Even though I am a senior citizen and was a blonde in my younger days, that doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. I proceeded to tell him exactly what his salesman told me last year: "In one year they will pay for themselves."

Don't Mess With Grandma:   . An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon returning to her  car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped  her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"  the four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran  like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping  bags into the back of the car and got into driver's seat. She was so  shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and  tried, and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later, she found her  own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into  the car and drove to the Police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter,  where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman  described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair,  and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, .go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. If it's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and ask: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Unanswered Questions

  1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
  2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
  3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
  4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
  5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
  6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
  7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
  8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
  9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
14. Stop singing and read on..........
15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
18. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?