"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in school!"

How To Call the Police
 
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife  told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could  see  from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said no.

Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said "Okay,"  hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello. I just called  you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't  have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all." Then he hung  up.
 
Within five minutes! three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an  ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed. One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
 
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

Winter Is Coming

It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets and, when he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to be. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect wood to be prepared. But also, being a practical leader, he decided to seek advice from experts. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold indeed," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Is it still going to be a cold winter?" he asked. "Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter. The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of wood they could find.

Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that this winter is going to be very cold?" he asked for a third time. "Absolutely," the weatherman replied. "In fact, it's going to be one of the coldest winters ever!" "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are gathering wood like crazy."

Men & women compliment each other by the unique traits we were each given:

Women:  Women have strengths that amaze men. They carry children, they carry  hardships, they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.  Women wait by the phone for a "safe at home call" from a friend after a snowy drive home. They are childcare workers, executives, attorneys, stay-at-home moms,  bikers, babes, & your neighbors.  They wear suits, jeans, and they wear uniforms. They fight for what they believe in and they stand up against injustice. They walk and talk the extra mile to get their children in the right schools and to get their family the right health care. They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
 
Women are honest, loyal and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point. Women want to be the best for their family & their friends and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
 
Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends and all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
 
MEN:   We are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing bugs............

Talking Clock

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. 

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock?  Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.

"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering  pound and stepped back. 

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For God sake, you ********....it's ten past three in the morning!"

A Fishing Funny

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Over-All Tan

A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second day she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, Miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

Dear Abby,

I recently read your column advising grandparents on "tough love." It offered advice to grandparents with respect to misbehaving grandchildren - those whose own parents let them run wild. I have followed your advice, and enclose a picture demonstrating the technique I employ on my grandson when he just won't behave. They do not allow me to spank him, so I just take him for a ride, and he usually calms down afterward.    Sincerely, Tough Love Grandma

What Was The Question

"What is the opposite of happiness?" the professor asked.  "Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma. "Elation," she said.

"And you sir," he said to the young man from Texas, "what about the opposite of woe?" The Texan replied, "Sir, I believe that would be 'giddy up!".
 

This will probably be us some day.

1. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.  Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did you  know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have? A  suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said, "Ethel, I'm  glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

2 . Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years  they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their  activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One  day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just  can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.  Please tell me what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?

3 . A group of Texas friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for  the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired of him. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!

4 . The young rancher came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was? The young rancher answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
 
5 . NEWS FLASH! - Abilene, Texas-----West Texas worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two Texas A&M University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in College Station. Texas search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening. The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

 6 . A Texas State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-20. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

 Young Couple
 
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light open. He gets closer to the car and sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine and a young woman on the rear seat, knitting. Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and knocks at the window. The young man lowers his window... "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine..." Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says, "And her, what is she doing?" The young man shrugs, "I believe she's knitting a pullover..."

The cop is totally confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and nothing untoward is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

"I'm 25, sir."

"And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and says, "She'll be 18 in 20 min.